Redeemed and Then Some - The Testimony of Mark Baldwin

When I am asked to give my testimony, I am always a bit hesitant to talk about things from my past that I am not exactly proud of. But God has been dealing with me for sometime about telling my story. Why? To help people who are going through the same struggles that I have been through.

My purpose is to not glorify any sins of my past, but to give God the glory for saving and continuously forgiving me. You will hear about a young man who grew up in a middle class neighborhood and appeared to have it all together. You will hear about a man who has been blessed with so much and loved by family and friends but who almost lost it all.

Growing up in a in a middle class neighborhood, with kids my age everywhere, was a great place to live. Always a game going on, riding bikes, hiking in the woods. It was a great place to grow up. It looked like the perfect home. My parents believed that they did the best job they could do in raising my brother and I. I don't doubt that. My dad worked hard to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. My mom cooked everyday. She took us to church every Sunday. My mom to this day loves God. She did the best she thought she could do. But what was lacking was any real closeness in the home. Hugs and kisses and "I love you" were something that was not part of my childhood. And that is something that would affect me for a lot of years.

My parents and I have talked about this over the past few years, so I have liberty to talk about some the things from my childhood that I wish were different. Not having that close relationship with my parents really affected how I saw love. Dad's way of showing love was to buy things for my brother and I. That is a part of love, but love is more than that. All of this had a strong influence on me later in life.

At age 10, my father got a promotion and moved the family to Jackson, Mississippi. During my first summer in Jackson, at age 11, I played organized baseball. A kid who lived in my neighborhood played on the team, and he invited me over to his house. He went to his parents closet and grabbed a pornographic video. As I watched, I was amazed at what I was seeing. I saw what these people were doing, and I saw passion. I thought what I was watching was love. I know today how wrong that perception was, but I saw something I had never seen before. This day changed my life forever.

My time was filled with sports and trying to maintain decent grades, so that I could keep playing the games I enjoyed. Besides noticing girls, I noticed something else. I saw my parent's marriage begin to crumble. I saw fights, threats of leaving, and a question that no12-year-old should have to answer. In front of my mom, my dad asked me if I would come live with him if he moved out. What a decision for a 12-year-old to have to make. This had a huge impact on my perception of what a mom and dad should be.

When adversity struck, it pulled our home apart. I wished we had rallied around each other and said, "We are a family that sticks together; we are going to pray and believe that we can overcome all things through Christ." But that isn't what happened.

For the most part, I cared only about myself. I just wanted to play sports and hang with my friends. As long as it didn't affect me, my parents could argue and fight all they wanted. But it did affect me. I thought I could do it all myself. And I am sure I am the only teenager who has ever thought that. I didn't need them. But I did.

At 16 years of age, at Cornerstone church in Clinton, Mississippi, I accepted Christ into my life. My school buddies had a hard time understanding my decision. I had good friends at church, but I still had the pull from my friends at school who weren't saved. I was a lukewarm Christian at best. I didn't want to disappoint God, but I didn't want to disappoint my friends. I straddled the fence for a long time.

I became involved sexually in high school with girlfriends. It consumed me. When I was alone with them, I thought we were supposed to have sex. How terrible not see each girl as a child of God with a purpose other than serving to fulfill my selfish desires. I realized later on in life that during my high school years I was proud of things I should have been ashamed of and ashamed of things I should have been proud of.

Around 18 or 19, I became entranced with pornography. The desire to revisit those images of my childhood was always there, but because I stayed so busy with school and sports, my mind was busy with other stuff.

When I finished high school and was not so busy, I was drawn to pornographic videos that I could rent from stores in my hometown. The more I watched, the more I craved. What I did not realize was that day-by-day, I was creating an empty pit in my soul that could not be filled with anything that this world has to offer.

At 23 I met Kim. Kim was working at a store where I rented video games. I was immediately drawn to her. She had a way, a presence about her that I wanted to know more about. It took me 3 months to ask her out, and she said NO! But with good reason, she was dating someone else at the time. She finally agreed to a date, after she broke up.

When Kim and I dated, she never really knew, and I never openly shared with her my addiction to pornography. I tried at times to break it to her slowly by testing the water to see if she was OK with it. Kim thought it was just a casual thing for me, but she never knew how deep my lust ran. Not even on our wedding date, December 17, 1994.

Not long after Kim and I were married, we discovered she was pregnant with our son Christopher. It was an exciting time, to realize we were going to be parents. Around this time, Kim began to realize that my issues with lust and pornography went beyond casual. I tried to keep it a secret, but at times I would slip. Kim would catch me watching these images. I always believed the lie from the devil that what she did not know wouldn't hurt her. I always thought I could live a double life. But we all know that is not true.

Instead of being honest with Kim and saying, Kim, I have a problem and I need help. I continued to run from her and the problem. I believed I could beat it on my own. I didn't want God to be involved. I didn't want commitment to God in my life. I never broke the habit of lying - to God, to Kim and to myself. The selfishness from teenage years was affecting my relationship to God and tearing down my marriage.

Kim and I purchased our first home in November of 1995; and in June of 1996, four months after Christopher was born, Kim and I separated. She had enough of my foolishness. At a time when we should have been happiest and praising God for the birth of a healthy baby boy, I was ruining things. Kim and I reconciled in January of 97 and agreed to marriage counseling and marriage classes to restore what I had torn apart.

Later that year, we discovered that Kim was pregnant with our second son Zachary. But something else happened that year. I discovered the Internet. Kim and I attended church each week, and on Sunday I acted like everything was fine. But from Monday to Saturday, I tried to fill the hole in my heart with pornographic images. Kim begged me to give her my best, but I wouldn't seek God or strong men in my church to help.

In the summer of 1998, we found out Kim was pregnant with our third son Cameron. Also that summer, I sought other employment. Without praying to God for guidance or asking advice from my pastor, I chased the dollar signs. For a 50 percent pay raise, I loaded up the family and moved to Nashville to work for an Internet company!

Kim and I fell in love with Tennessee. We were in a place we really enjoyed. But you know what? Changing states didn't solve my problems. I now worked at a place where I was able to freely search for pornographic images to fill my lust!

My addiction to pornography and the instant access to pornography that the Internet provided finally caused Kim to say enough. If I didn't to quit, I would have to leave home. Even with an ultimatum from Kim, I still viewed pornography and lied to her about it. In January of 2002, we separated.

Only then did I realize what I had done and that if I did not seek God, I was going to destroy it all. Kim loved me. She saw the good in me and believed I could become the man she knew God had called me to be. But for the first time in my life, I saw doubt in Kim's face. I was destroying the faith and trust she had in me.

That year I began to seek the truth and for God's answers to my struggles. I say began. Kim and I were separated for 6 months. Every minute away from Kim and the children caused me such pain. I loved Kim so much, but I was too selfish to change my ways. I began one-on-one counseling with Rodney Wilson, the marriage pastor at our church. I thank God he sent Rodney into to my life at that critical point. He helped me confront the sins that were destroying my soul. He recommended the book, "Every Man's Battle," by Steven Atterburn. This book changed my views on sexual desire and lust. I encourage any man struggling with pornography to read it. It helped change my life.

In September of 2002, the wireless company I was working for laid-off nearly half of the company, including me. Kim and I were making progress; we were making true and lasting friendships in our church. Then this. For someone like me, who had found a lot of my identity in my job, it was hard; but it was another distraction in my life that God was tearing down. I was surprised my attitude was as good as it was!

Two days after losing my job, I got a call from a friend who said a company in New Hampshire was looking for someone with my background. I told Kim and her eyes got this wide! For the first time in my life, I prayed to God for peace and for wisdom to make the right decision. Two months after losing my job, I moved to New Hampshire to begin what is becoming a major turning point in my life.

Recently, God showed me that my selfish desires were not just about immorality, but about honesty with Kim and myself, and even one layer deeper, about self-worth. I am now discovering what God's love really means and realizing my self-worth in him.

Being here has been such a blessing to both Kim and I. We are so blessed to be involved in a church where we see God moving. God has done such a work in our lives here, that we just want praise him and give him the glory and honor.

There are days that I still struggle with lust and with being completely honest with Kim. But God has started a work in me that I intend to see through.

I know God has called me to help men who fight the same battles of the flesh and mind that I do; to pray for them and encourage them to put down the sins of lust and seek the will of God. But mostly importantly, God has called me to be an honorable and trusting husband and father. Kim deserves better than the way I treated her. My kids deserve a father who trusts and follows God, no matter what the circumstances.